Different, not different
Kids are born empathetic. They’re hard-wired to relate to another person’s experience—and to notice similarities and differences in a nanosecond. They’re also born without filters. They need to be taught how, why and when to regulate their behavior in non-hurtful ways. Add a physical, emotional or developmental difference to the mix, and things can get complicated.
How does a child who’s outside the norm navigate the experience of being different? And how does a child who’s more mainstream navigate the experience of having a friend who’s different?
The simplest and broadest answer relates to empathy: walking in the other person’s shoes, seeing things from the other person’s perspective. It’s a subset of the golden rule, really. How would you feel if it happened to you? If you’re a mainstream person, an empathetic mindset helps you focus on being the best possible ally to a person with special needs. And that’s a great goal to have.
Consider these strategies for understanding the needs of kids who are different:
See the bigger picture. We all have challenges to overcome; that’s part of life. People with physical or mental differences aren’t defined by their limitations. They have hopes, dreams, strengths and weaknesses, just like anybody else. Focus on those qualities, on the things they have in common with you, not the ways they differ from you.
Acknowledge and move on. You don’t have to avert your eyes or avoid someone with challenges. If someone’s differences make you feel awkward (perfectly understandable), don’t try to soothe your discomfort by commenting or joking about it. Like everyone else, people with disabilities just want to be acknowledged.
Be helpful. Someone who uses a wheelchair relates best to you if you can position yourself at the same eye level. You would too. Similarly, someone with a stutter doesn’t need to have it pointed out when they get stuck. Wait patiently without prompting, suggesting or commenting.
Respect people’s independence. We all value our ability to manage on our own. No matter how noble your intention, don’t assume someone with an impairment needs or wants your help. They may, but it’s better to ask first. It’s not an insult if they decline the offer.
Invite the person to join you in social situations. People with differences may or may not feel excluded. If someone is sitting alone in the cafeteria (a classic example), invite them to join you. Or ask if you can sit with them. Give them the option. Maybe they’re waiting for someone else. Again, if they decline, be OK with that—without seeking an explanation. You’re an ally just for asking.
Speak to the person, not about them. In social settings, avoid pointing, staring or treating someone as if they’re not there—even inadvertently. Include them. We all like to feel recognized; nobody wants to feel like an oddity.
Be respectfully curious, but not intrusive. If a person wants to talk more about their challenges, they’ll invite that conversation. Take your cue from them. If they do, feel free to be inquisitive. But it’s disrespectful to ask someone, unprompted, for details about their medical condition.
Give a heads-up. Try not to startle people who have sensory impairments. For someone who’s visually challenged, speak as you approach; if the person is hearing-impaired, let them see you before you initiate a conversation.
Avoid touching the equipment. Think of assistive technology as an extension of a person’s body. Someone who depends on a device—a walker or wheelchair, an audio or visual aid, for example—may be sensitive about the equipment that helps them get through the day. Respect that preference and avoid touching or moving a device unless the person asks specifically.
We’re all different and we deserve to have those differences respected. When interacting with a person who has physical or emotional challenges, switch places with them in your imagination. To be an ally, let empathy guide your behavior. You may find you have more in common that you realize. Because people just want to fit in.